Sorry for the lack of posts and / or updates here. I've truly been in the waiting portion of this journey, but there have been some things going on "behind the scenes" that I've been keeping secret for a couple months, until I was confident in the way things were headed.
The following is a copy of a message I shared with my church congregation as a testimonial sermon on December 28, 2014. I used Proverbs 3 as one of the passages for the service.
The following is a copy of a message I shared with my church congregation as a testimonial sermon on December 28, 2014. I used Proverbs 3 as one of the passages for the service.
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I have been called to adopt.
About three and a half years ago I started on my adoption journey through an informational meeting. And on Mother’s Day of 2012 I announced to the world that I would be a mom. Since then, I have been waiting. Sometimes waiting patiently, sometimes anxiously waiting...but waiting.
I did not come to this decision alone. In fact, through this journey I have realized that this decision wasn’t even one I had a hand in. I have been called to adopt.
Let me backtrack...in my early adulthood I decided that I was probably just going to be the “cool aunt” that my brother’s children and my friends’ kids could hang out with and rely on. However, as the kiddos in my life started to grow up I started to long for parenthood, and figured it would happen when it was suppose to. As I continued through life I started to go back to the idea of being the “cool aunt” because life was not presenting me with the occasion to be a mother.
Then, summer 2011 happened.
A great friend invited me over to her family’s Fourth of July celebration. I had a lot of fun, but especially enjoyed all the kids running around, including my friend’s daughter, who is adopted from Guatemala. As I watched the children play I started to think about having my own kids running around and having fun. Watching my friend’s daughter, especially, allowed me to see that other options to motherhood were available to me. It was like a seed had been planted in my brain, one that needed further exploration. The next day, on the way to my own family’s annual Fourth of July celebration I made my life changing decision to start looking in to adoption. When I got to my aunt’s I told my mom I made a big decision during my drive. She said, “You’re going to adopt” before I could even say anything else. Looking back, that’s the first instance where I should have known this decision was bigger than me.
From there, the journey began.
My initial decision was to bring my child home from Ethiopia. Making the country decision was a tough one, but my heart and outside forces led me that way. For instance, it’s not every day that you hear about Ethiopia in your daily life. When I was thinking about a country choice, Ethiopia was EVERYWHERE. It was in daily conversation, it was on a rerun of Two and a Half Men I stumbled across one day when there was nothing else on, it was permeating my life. Again...this decision was not mine alone.
Things continued to progress….I completed the necessary interviews, checks, and paperwork, and, my dossier was submitted to the Ethiopian branch of my agency in December of 2012. This is where I’m at today. As of today, my paperwork has been waiting, like I have been, in Ethiopia for two years.
Now, I’m not up here to talk about the whys of the lengthy waiting process or to relay my impatience with the wait...I am here to reiterate that I have been called to adopt. And, through this calling I have also begun a closer relationship with God. My trust in following Him through this journey has brought me closer to Him. I have to trust in His timing and know that His plans are bigger than I can ever imagine. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.” This is a verse that I have cherished for most of my life, but it is also one I hold particularly close now.
I know that I have said “called” a few times now, and I don’t use that terminology lightly. Let me explain why. Throughout time people have been called to do different things, and it means different things to different people. To me, being called by the Lord means doing something you might not ordinarily do - doing something out of your comfort zone - because He knows what’s best for you, He knows the plans He has for you. And, for these reasons, I continue to feel that my decision to adopt - with all the stress, worry, wait, and expense involved - is truly a calling for me. Becoming a mother through adoption was never MY plan, it was never something I thought would be possible...but He knows what’s best for me, He knows what I need and how I will get there.
This past summer I had another instance to illustrate that this decision has never been mine alone. In July I was looking at my agency’s waiting child list and a child’s eyes reached out to me. I felt a tug and needed to know more about him. The waiting child list is a list for children with varying levels of special needs, and being a single parent, I am not open to all that some more severe needs entail, but I look at the list from time to time to see if there is a child I feel I can care for. This little guy’s situation seemed like something I could potentially handle. I researched to the best of my ability this little guy’s needs - asking people I knew in the medical field, Google searching, reaching out to other adoptive parents. I couldn’t get him out of my mind and didn’t know what my next steps should be. I asked friends and family for their insights, and I prayed. When the internal struggle of making a decision was becoming tough, I asked for a sign.
The next day I received a phone call from a worker at my agency that I rarely talk to. She was calling to see how I was doing and wanted to chat. I mentioned the boy from the waiting child list and she told me that he lives in South Africa and that he already had several families inquiring about him. We also talked about a few of the other children, and eventually our discussion ended up turning to me potentially just switching countries - to South Africa. If I was serious about this, I would need to do more research in to the requirements for switching countries - what steps were involved, what would the cost be, what did that mean about my pull and connection to Ethiopia? As our conversation continued, at one point she said, “I just had this pull to call you today.” When I got off the phone I was shell shocked. When I tell this story I like to say that when you ask for a sign, God doesn’t normally send you a flashing neon one...and that’s what I felt had just happened. Now, I had the decision of whether or not to completely change countries resting on my heart.
This decision was, again, going to be a life changing one that was tearing me up inside. My next call was to my adoptive mom friend to tell her what had just happened. She was surprised about the spiritual intervention that had occurred and had this advice to offer - “Maybe you were suppose to be in a long waiting program because [your child] wasn’t ready yet.” That clarity and insight struck me, but my heart, thoughts, dreams, and plans were invested in Ethiopia. When I thought about switching, I felt like I was turning my back on my child and it tore me up inside. But, I did the research. I talked to the International Case Worker who works with South Africa. And, above all, I continued to pray.
As we heard in Proverbs, we need to trust in the Lord with all our heart and not rely on our own understandings. This was a specific time that I needed to rely on Him and the direction He was leading me. Through my prayers I asked for clarity and guidance and truly placed the decision at His feet. I needed to acknowledge the fact that He had brought me this far in the process and that He would continue to lead me down the path that I was meant to take. This may have been the first time in my life where I didn’t try to be in control, and I felt at peace with that.
Since August, my decision has been to switch to South Africa. For a variety of reasons...but I can not deny the power of prayer and the sign that occurred this past July. What does that mean right now? Well, I am still waiting. Yep...waiting. That’s what I’ve learned to be doing through this entire journey. When I decided to switch I was told that the South African program I was interested in only opens once a year to a limited number of families. Then I was told that the news would be shared in the fall...then six more weeks...then before the South African affiliate closed for the holidays. The week before Christmas was the worst part of the wait since I started this journey...it was like waiting to see if I’d made the cut.
During that week all Ethiopian adoptive families got an update about other countries that were opening in case families were considering changing. South Africa was on the list. After playing phone tag with someone from my agency, we finally connected and were able to discuss the potential of me formally switching countries. She talked to me about the different special needs I would need to be open to, she explained the referral process, she outlined the next steps, and she shared the timeline. During our conversation, she said that she felt the change would be “a good fit” for me and I left that conversation with hope and renewed optimism.
Over the holiday week I was excited to tell my family that the news had come through and the switch would be happening in the next few weeks. This decision feels right, and my step mom even said it feels like this is the way it was suppose to be.
So, after the start of the new year I will basically be starting this process over. I will be updating my home study, I will be seeing doctors and bankers and other officials for needed paperwork, I will be getting my new dossier together, I will be getting documents state sealed...and I will be doing it all with the help and guidance of the Lord.
This new decision is scary. I’m scared about the extended stay in South Africa, and it’s finally settling in that I’m going to be a mom - and that alone is scary! But, I continue to trust in the Lord and the path he is leading me down.
I do not share this story to talk about myself. I share this to reinforce the thought that it’s about more than us, more than here. The Lord has a plan for us, we just have to be open to seeing it and trusting in Him with all of our heart.
In fact, throughout the wait I have continued to say to myself and others “This is not my plan...it never has been. It’s always been out of my hands” because that’s the truth of it.
I have been called to adopt.
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The journey continues...one step closer.
